Media Representation: OCD in Dance Moms

I've been conspicuously absent lately. I've had health issues which have prevented me from doing much of any writing. I will do my best here but it may take me several revisions before this is up to my personal standards.

Now, I've long procrastinated about writing any OCD articles because the range of OCD types  is so vast that I didn't know where to begin. Tonight I was watching the newest episode of Dance Moms and saw clear as day a little girl go from anxiety to panic attack. Then I saw online that people were calling her out for being a brat. I felt so bad for her and thought, "That's what I'll write about."

Maddie is a girl who is the teacher's favorite student. The other moms are jealous of how much better Abby treats her, which is likely due to her extreme dedication. Her mom calls her a perfectionist, I think that's oversimplifying things. It starts after a teammate gets a call from an audition they all did saying she was at the top of their list for a scholarship. Maddie attempts to reorganize her make-up trunk, a classic self-soothing behavior, which her mom yells at her for. Essentially, you have someone who feels their emotions spiraling out of control, so to get back in control they feel they need to engage in a certain behavior. This behavior can be just about anything--counting, organizing, hoarding--but all boils down to, "If I don't do this thing, I will fall apart." It takes a feeling of helplessness and provides an illusion of control. Her mom took a child's attempt to regain control of herself and made her feel even more powerless before sending her onstage.

It is important to note that these compulsive behaviors don't really put the sufferer in control, it is only an illusion. Eventually the behavior starts to grow with the anxiety, what used to work is no longer enough, and will continue to do so. The only way to really be in control is to challenge the thinking that this is the only way to overcome the anxiety. This usually involves purposefully engaging in situations that cause anxiety in a controlled setting, starting small and working your way up.

Naturally, Maddie forgot her dance onstage. She just stopped and ran offstage. She freaked out that the teacher would hate her, crying and begging to try again. Normally Abby would tell a student who cries at a competition to suck it up, but this time she just held her and said everything would be alright. The other parents were upset because of the double standard. I don't know if she knew it but she really did the best thing for Maddie. It was important for her to realize that her deepest fear, being rejected for her imperfection, was not actually going to happen and that it wasn't a compulsive behavior that prevented it from happening. She helped her work through the anxiety but as I've seen countless times, people are not recognizing this as anxiety (or that anxiety is in fact a mental illness and not just "being upset").

When 'Good' OCD Goes Bad -or- the author's embarrassed ramblings

My whole family knew I had OCD before I did. I'd check every fork in the drawer until I found one that was absolutely clean. Even before that, when I was a little kid my parents would get annoyed with me because I'd stop drinking a soda once it started to go flat. Over the years I've gotten to the point where I can tell by watching the soda fountain whether it will be bad or good, syrupy or bitter.

I have a routine when I buy individual bottles at grocery stores. Sometimes the conveyor belts go too fast and knock them over, so I just hold onto them. Well I was at the store today and decided to get myself a coke. All was going as usual until at the very end of the transaction I see that the cashier decided to put my soda in the bag, and it was on its side! I felt like all the blood drained out of my face. After I got my receipt and managed to get it all sorted out, I left with my tail between my legs. I was upset because of what happened and because I was embarrassed.

What is the opposite of depressed?

I have a friend that I am very close to. I've known her for about four years and most of that time I was a total mess (or we weren't in touch). As it turns out, so was she. While I am pretty obvious when something is wrong, she was the type to suppress it. I'm also pretty oblivious but I don't think it was entirely me not noticing. Things progressed and now she is facing these things head on for the first time--including medication. I try to guide her through the process as best I can, especially since she can't stand acting when she doesn't already know the outcome. One thing which came up in a conversation about depression and medication was how do you know when the meds are working/right?

I had a lot of difficulty when starting meds because, unlike many sufferers, I had no idea what normal people felt like on the inside. I had been depressed for as long as I can remember (okay, just since I was 10) and it's hard to know when the antidepressant is working, when you don't have an understanding of another internal state. I'd try to gauge it based on whether or not I felt different than before I started, but was left feeling much the same. My parents would say they could tell a difference but I couldn't feel one.

It wasn't until my third time in the hospital when I was put on the meds I'm on now and, while I did end up overdosing a week later (I don't deal well with med changes it seems), the next morning I knew they were the ones. I cried most of the day but it was out of sadness, not depression, and I just knew. The opposite of depressed isn't happy. I don't think we have a word in English for the state of not being depressed, so I just call it "not-depressed." It's like neutrality--right in between the hyper, manic state and the lethargic, depressive state--a feeling that is an empty palatte. When you experience it, you know. Personally, I value not-depressed much more than I will ever value happiness.

“They have a pill for that”

I mean for this to be a two-parter on psychiatric meds. The second will focus on what a person might expect after starting meds for the first time, among other things, and this one about a more fundamental question: do you, specifically, need to take them? Disclaimer: I'm not a doctor, these are just a few issues that I believe are important to consider before seeking medications. 

I got the idea for this post while thinking about the post I did several months ago about Tourette Syndrome. While drugs do exist for Tourettes, the go-to solution for tic symptoms? Deal with it. This is so different than the mindset when faced with many other mental illnesses. Unfortunately, most patients, especially those in mental hospitals, won't question any meds a doctor prescribes and not all doctors give unsolicited warnings about the meds they prescribe. Obviously this is a very real problem.

Question 1: Do I need to take medication?

This is a question with many little sub-questions. How affected is my life: Is my anxiety so bad that I can't go a few days without panic attacks? Suicidal? Am I lashing out at people I like for no reason? How bothered am I by my symptoms? Obviously a person who can't muster up the energy to leave their room for weeks on end and regularly plans suicide should seek serious treatment. If a person has a panic attack when they see a birthday clown, then the answer is less clear cut and requires more consideration.

Question 2: What are the risks and benefits?

Do your research before seeking treatment. If you go in to see a psychiatrist with depression complaints, they will give you meds for depression. Often, they are not trained therapists, and have studied extensively all the psychiatric meds and that's about it. Check out commonly prescribed meds for your complaint and see what others have said that have taken them. 

One medication that I take currently is extremely addictive physiologically and you could be stuck taking it or another SSRI for the rest of your life, even if it doesn't help your depression. The doctor who prescribed it never once mentioned this. Fortunately it works for me, but only in conjunction with another antidepressant drug which I later learned can be fatal if the two are taken together. Again, I didn't learn this until after I took the morning and evening meds together before bed, since I'd forgotten to take them that morning. It was so scary because I struggled to breathe all night and was too weak to move or wake my roommate.

One doctor prescribed an anti-anxiety pill which can also help depression for me when I knew nothing about mental illness or the medications, just as a temporary solution until I could get a full diagnosis, but didn't help me understand how to use it. The bottle said, "Take 1-2 pills at morning and bedtime," so I took two every day and after my diagnosis the doctors at the hospital decided to leave me on that one for the anxiety instead of starting me on a different one. Well, eventually that first prescription ran out and I had no refills on it. For several days my whole body shook violently from sun up to sun down. Turns out nearly all anti-anxiety meds are extremely addictive. Almost a year went by before a psychiatrist sat me down and said not to take more than one a week to prevent a dependency. 

Question 3: Are there feasible and healthy alternatives?

Therapy can work wonders to help learn better coping methods and, for some disorders like severe anxiety, can be more useful in the long run than medication. Working on the cause rather than the symptoms, so to speak. Not everyone can fully control their illness with therapy, but it is a good first step (or concurrently depending on the severity). Available options vary depending on the specific disorder, so this is something else to check out while researching.

Question 4: Is it worth the risks?

I take three daily meds and two PRN (as-needed) drugs. I face near constant tremors, dry mouth (and related dental issues) and have to be extra careful that I don't take them too close together (or too frequently in the case of the anti-anxiety). Despite this, I feel that it is worth it because it has helped to improve my quality of life. I do however have moments where I realize that no matter how healthy I am on my meds, I will have to be on them forever, and this is very sad to me. If I could, I'd love to be a person who could function normally by means other than medication. I can't tell you whether it will be worth it for you, only you can do that.

Resource: Crazy Meds is an excellent resource for researching the side effects of specific medications. Not only written in plain English by someone who takes meds themselves, there is a lot of humor in it!


(Labels to come, they aren't working atm)

Panic Attacks

This is not a precisely educational post. It's not about panic disorders so much as physical anxiety symptoms. You see, since I started the fall semester I've had two severe bouts of anxiety during my classes. I normally experience only minor physical anxiety and can go take my medication without anyone knowing but what I'm noticing now is that the times when I get full on panic attacks, I don't have that warning system. I also noticed that I get two distinct types of attacks.

Usually I just feel a warmness spread throughout my chest (I picture it in my mind as dripping food coloring in water, the way it spreads and permeates) but it seems that my panic attacks completely skips this.

The first is what I expect is a textbook PA: In this instance I had to give a 2 minute self introduction to my Japanese class. It started well and I recovered easily from my small stumbles. After about 10 seconds I started to feel very hot and somewhat confused. I couldn't remember anything at all and my body started shaking badly. The more severe my physical symptoms became, the less I could remember and the less I remembered, the worse my physical anxiety became. It just happened that my physical symptoms preceded my forgetting, though from the outside it would have appeared to be the other way around.

The second type is the more frightening of the two: During my second koto lesson, I felt very overwhelmed by the tuning process (13 strings!) and even after I finally got help, it didn't let up any. I suddenly became aware of how hot I felt and pulled out my folding fan. It's amazing how astute your instincts can be in times of duress. I just knew from the beginning that I couldn't (or shouldn't) move. I had had this kind of attack in the past, where I felt that I had to stay as still as I could, and when my roommate tried to get me to move I had an outburst followed by an hour long panic attack. I was physically incapable of using my legs or speaking. All I could do was cry and hope she'd come help me.

I recognize this sensation and was determined not to let it go that far. I couldn't go take my meds so I tried deep breathing and cooling myself. The deep breathing just made things worse and I eventually got as far as not being able to speak and couldn't keep a grip on my fan so I just used both hands to brace myself on the floor. Without really thinking about it I started slowing my breath as much as I possibly could, and my anxiety went down to a perfectly manageable level. I was able to continue after that without even taking the medication.

I now see myself as being armed with more tools to combat these attacks in the future. No matter what, I don't want this or anything else to control my life. What do you do to help yourself get through panic attacks?

Project: Emergency Self-care Kit

One of the most important skills for a person with a mental disorder is the ability to self soothe. When having any kind of severe episode, a person's ability to plan or figure out how to help themselves goes down drastically. That's why my aftercare therapist assigned us to create an "Emergency Self-care Kit."

An emergency self-care kit is a box or bag that you put together in advance filled with anything and everything that makes you feel relaxed and happy. Because you think about it before you have a problem, you have a clearer mind and when you need it you don't have to worry about what to do, just take it out.

Examples of stuff you can put inside:
A journal (don't forget the pen!!)
A cd of specially picked songs
Tissues or a hanky
Bubble bath
Chocolate
A favorite stuffed animal
...and anything else you think can help.

Optional: After you put it together, leave a comment with some ideas to inspire other's kits!

Let's have a talk about psychosis

As you can see I'm back and not dead, so it's time to get back in the saddle, so to speak. I've decided to talk today about psychosis. This is prompted by a post I read on another forum. Possibly more than any other disorders with gross misconceptions about them, I am very touchy about psychotic symptoms in the media. Whereas most mental illnesses are portrayed as exaggerated stereotypes of the real thing, psychosis is just the catch-all term for crazy (particularly violent crazy) and why not? Morphologically speaking, it sounds like it should be, right?

What it really is: Psychosis is a symptom of various other mental disorders that impairs a person's ability to accurately interact with the world and respond appropriately. The most common psychoses are hallucinations and delusions.

Who can get it: Lots of people. People who have depression, bipolar, and personality disorders, for instance, can have psychosis symptoms. On the other hand, Schizophrenia is a psychotic disorder, due to the symptoms being the main component of the disorder.

Delusions are when a person has an unshakable belief in something that could be possible, but is unlikely. A person suffering from delusions may, for instance, believe that a person is in love with them and take it as far as stalking the object of their delusion and/or attacking the person's actual love interest. It could also manifest as believing a person they see regularly is stalking them, so they make habits of taking needlessly complicated routes everywhere and never taking the same route twice. A delusion could even be a belief that you have supernatural abilities (more on this later).

Hallucinations are when a person experiences things no one else does. Possible types of hallucinations include visual, auditory and even smells. These can be frightening for the person experiencing them but most often are completely harmless. They become a problem when the sufferer loses the ability to distinguish what is and isn't real. Sounds like a lot of psychological thriller plotlines...

Brief Reactive Psychosis is a temporary affliction where a person has psychoses only in times of stress. These episodes may be as short as one day and as long as a month.

Treatment: Other than taking anti-psychotic drugs like Zyprexa, it seems that many treatments mirror those for depression. These can be found in the reference link for interested parties.

I used to regularly have auditory and visual hallucinations before I was diagnosed and put on meds. Nothing major, just a black cloud on the corner of my vision or short amounts of "white noise," as I called it. Not the same as the white noise on TV, I described it as many voices speaking all at once so you can't make out any single one. The auditory ones got steadily worse, then suddenly stopped. The last one was a flat sounding voice calling out to me. It scared me because it was the first time that a voice I heard was directed at me and not one I just happened to "overhear." My parents were there and saw me frantically checking doors and windows, even the neighbor's doors. I probably freaked them out, honestly.

These hallucinations stopped for over a year. Then this past spring when I reached the middle of the semester and I was panicking because I hadn't finished a spring semester in two years and didn't think I could do it, add in problems with my apartment neighbors, and I had two days of the worst visual hallucinations I'd ever had. I saw a man holding a large kitchen knife, a figure running across the room, and then an ant crawling on me (that I knew wasn't real because I couldn't feel it on my skin). It's enough to make a person paranoid. On that third day I still couldn't trust my eyes but there were no more after that.

My friends will tell you I am pragmatic and rational to a fault. Despite this, and because of my past psychotic episodes, I can't trust in the world that everyone else sees. I believed that those auditory hallucinations were other's thoughts, as the white noise only happened in crowded places, and that the voice that called to me was another consciousness reaching out to me. A part of me still believes that, after all, who's to say that it isn't true? Even my highly rational mind can't just rule it out. Am I delusional? Probably. But I'd love to see you try it without developing some kind of warped sense of reality!

Resource: http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/psychoticdisorders.html