Pre-admission

Before you can be admitted into a mental hospital, they make you answer questions. A lot of hard questions. It can take hours. Then they take away your gadgets, spiral notebooks, pens, pencils, anything with string or a blade, they screen media, they check your body for scars or bruises and do a blood test. You don't know how long you will stay there and most hospitals only allow visitors at certain times.

It's a different world in the hospital. You learn a person's deepest darkest secrets before you learn their name, major, or favorite color. But their triumphs and tribulations are shared by every patient. You learn to cherish every second spent outside (or even out of the ward).

And how does that make you feel?

Like a number. In fact, I still remember my first patient number: 3361. In order to have a visitor or get a phone call, they must have that number.

People in the outside world don't understand what it is to be hospitalized. They think of long-term facilities with violent paranoid schizophrenics, severe RNs and electroshock therapy. It's more like a week spent in group therapy with drug addicts, alchoholics and severely depressed individuals and a lot of free time. I learned that I was insanely good at jigsaw puzzles and even began analyzing the other patient's puzzle-solving styles.

Hospitals serve to help you reach a point where you can function outside and continue to work towards recovery. There are bad hospitals and good hospitals (I've been in both) but there should not be the stigma against going into a hospital for treatment. My first hospitalization was back in 2009. I had just been diagnosed with MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) and the doctor feared I would self-harm so she had me admitted.

I had twenty years' experience at repressing my illnesses. The world didn't know, my parents didn't know, I didn't even know. I had suppressed for so long I'd convinced myself--but that is so damaging for a psyche, and when I fell apart I broke in a big way. I now know that I have three chronic disorders and a personality disorder. Learning to cope isn't easy and living in a world that doesn't understand doesn't help. I put my disorders out on the table because I believe that there can be no understanding if the afflicted don't speak up and show that we can be happy, functional members of society like everyone else.