Subtext

I am a person and I refuse to be judged for my illness.
I am speaking out and hoping someone will listen...

Saturday, June 11, 2011

If you could go back, knowing what you do now?

Disregarding the obvious and ultimately pointless answers like not taking all those pills, this is an easy question for me. Preventing a single regrettable act is a moot point in this case, because people in tough spots are surprisingly hard to deter. If those things didn't happen then/in that way, I don't doubt they would have happened in some other manner. No, if I could change something, anything, I would have sought help much sooner.

It's been only about three years since I was diagnosed with Major Depression. That doesn't seem like long, but I have suffered the effects of it my entire life and I'd just been too scared to come forward. I remember looking up the symptoms and thinking it sounded like me, but dismissing it because surely Depression had to be worse than what I felt. By the time I did learn that I did in fact have it, I had to be hospitalized, withdrawn from school, and gotten myself neck-deep in a destructive friendship.

I am not one of those people that believes that all labels suck or all you need is to take vitamins/think positive and your depression will magically vanish. Maybe those things are true for you and maybe they aren't but I know that two years of therapy have rendered me very capable of dealing with a crisis constructively (and I've got an amazing self-esteem) but only when my meds are in working order. I have a true chemical-depression and understand that now. I am still learning everyday how to work with my disorders to improve my symptoms and quality of life. I've made great strides in three years, but I wish sometimes that I had been able to start sooner. How wonderful four years--five years--would be!

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